Smile like a torn sail,
bravado can be a
current before ever
just brave,
children hesitate or
tremble, my
own hands, too.
A father’s photograph
on the shelf,
my mother’s plane
she made her symbol, too
though he was first the pilot-
I can hold
without a sound.
I listen to music
when I’m afraid,
place headphones over
what I held onto
of things known before
I became this version
of me, to calm
the old panic
that doesn’t come
too often anymore.
It’s not that I don’t
know how bad it could be,
only that the fear
doesn’t matter, only
joy at the end,
love and
what remains of
your self that fear
would try to
kill.
The fragile cord
hand over hand
formed
that holds me to grief
I say, ‘quiet’
repeatedly
as it tries to
pull
same way the ocean
waves lull into peace
or acceptance, I
tap out
sometimes,
exhausted.
And have so little tolerance
for any pretense,
though I care
a person hurts
maybe because pretense
and lies take energy.
Same old gravity
I’ve always been,
even when John left
because the world was too
hard for him, or my friend
dragged me down the stairs
that night after slipping
something in my drink,
and much later
pounding my feet against
a bathroom door to
keep it closed,
same old gravity
of knowing
what shouldn’t be known,
and I am lighter
than seems right
because of it.
I remember how my mom
was beautiful, but I knew
her haunted words-
she gave me a script
I’ve spent half a lifetime
rewriting.
So let the night be night
slow down and watch
the hummingbirds’
quick hover
their lovely,
brief life,
the dog’s paw casually
upon my knee as
she sleeps means
I am her safety, now,
how I needed for so long;
I want to not be the one
left behind, but I really
think it’s just the way
of life,
and when I ran before,
I became abstract/
temporarily
blurred around the
edges until
I could stop to build
what was needed of myself,
I think it was necessary,
because where I started
wanted to stay an
endless night
and I had so little
to stand on.
Hand that touches petals that
could be violent, hand
that holds instead-
my love will never involve
death of self for me
to stay,
never.
Somehow,
I hold the truths that
seemed more complicated
than they are
where I had to keep
some truths separate
from others like,
a person can have goodness
and be terrible, and
I may love them
though they’re too hurt
to not hurt others:
if looking hard enough
even the people we call evil
or just say, have done
terrible things
have good qualities,
but it doesn’t mean
they are redeemable,
it doesn’t mean you
should not protect
your self as if
you were told
your life meant less
than their own
from too young an age
to know the truth
without pain,
we are encouraged to forgive
before we understand what it means
from people who don't know forgiveness
and we skip over the fact
that love of self comes first,
acknowledging pain comes first.
After mom is gone, I can love
the best parts of her
and the best of
all she gave me
and hold her truth
for her, hold her leaving
before she left even
and unanswerable
questions/
her need to run far
and run often
to persist/ I
hold her
still.
I think I’m a little proud
of my softness after
it all, of my anger
even
that bakes beneath
and makes me
quietly relentless
in things
and glad to have been
the daughter of a
philosopher of sorts
and lucky,
I had him, too
along with the quickness
she gave me, and her
heart like a butterfly,
never needing
any one thing
so I could become all the ways
needed to survive, or at least
to know what I needed to do
before I could know them
reading all the words
that came before me
like what the Stoics strived for
and the very old living in
the cave of a mountain
but my own way
and most definitely not,
stoically.
I could never just trust
what someone said
and asked endless
questions, which
I guess is what happens
when the reality you grow in
is unreliable, and you learn
to trust out of loyalty alone
is dangerous.
The old thoughts
like jagged rocks
tumbling year
over year
smooth,
as much as a tumbling
stone can become
until ready to sit
at the water’s edge to
let the waves do
the rest
is more than enough-
to see then a torn sail
like the possibility it is,
incredibly beautiful
and questions ever simpler
than they could be before,
like is a boat on the ocean
ever truly lost.
Author: Stephanie McManus
Poetry described as whimsical, daring and perceptive: my writing tends to reflect on life experience and human nature. I come from a humanist point-of-view with influences from non-theistic Christian and Buddhist philosophy.
http://ehlersdanloscontemplations.wordpress.com/ - a support to others living with chronic illness and Ehlers-danlos Syndrome.
Thank you for stopping by.
tread the line
a prayer,
this fog before
the dawn, crunchy
leaves so light
on the old elm
ignites wildfire
in the blue hour
dry | scattered
who couldn't
let go
and awakened
full but still thirsty
before the sun
could release
the moon's edge.
Like a river
effortlessly, truth
takes many turns
and hand-over-hand in
darkness, thoughts:
soot and smoke
on the water,
pray a choice
of stillness
despite.
And of freedom, a
life not owned
by shadow,
shake
instead like all things
shocked must do
as all living is shocked
until nothing of old
leaves any ember
that may spark/
even hope
and the cruelty
or the way
smiling
can be a rebellion
when loved have gone-
pray any fire,
a peacemaker
if the rebellion
must go on.
And for the wailing cat
hungry mouth
and mangy
coat
too messy
to grow love
or to have a
warm hand
upon it,
pray, too;
for daisy chains,
crowns on would-be
princesses and princes,
for baby frogs in pencil
cases, and lizards
clamped on
sweaty
ears
because
the children's play
is survival
and to smile at the abyss
at its ferocity, then
because we are fierce,
the same.
But, pray especially
for paper dolls
torn with rough edges,
the square pegs
in round holes
that they know
who they are
and are curious
of what they are not-
a rain held as it grows
having been brave
to accept their
beauty,
and that of others/
knowing need.
Pray for the thirst
the blue hour
sparks
every line of every
hill, clear as the
moon’s edge
when the sun so close
will soon arrive
or soon go,
a time to shake free.
creases
like this-
barely shadows
thin clouds across
the sun
in a palm
and a brew
of lightning on
night sky
or love in sudden
tense regard,
bright and bitter
in the doorway
waiting to go
or leave
is how I remember.
Ghost in the door,
palm with its
reminders,
a mouth
closed
too tight-
all a storm
dark and a little
sweet
in its making
somewhere
along the Atlantic.
And this,
the reason
to go when I ran,
maybe
yellow could be
like dahlias
and black just
professional attire/
not reminders
to re-mind again
that the cracked
walk, the fractured
frown following –
a memory of
monsters
of grief and
abandonment
now held
in the bones that
must be un-done
and how tiring.
Could sing
unkempt and
broken vowels
like the hair that
wasn’t combed and
spoke instead
that the heart
is red, and bloody
but so quietly
and of fiery dreams
set ablaze
to burn hotter
than the very thing
that could have
taken them away
if not taken in a hand/
the broken relics
to find.
In the night
a coyote runs
along a river
telling the pack
how he runs
and I run with him
for awhile
every belief
left unchallenged
the held heart
shrieking to
be free,
to love.
Gray cloud,
same old, same
old ghost in
the palm,
in the fading lines
of barely there
maybe
a bright moon,
maybe a white moth
on the tufted ear
of an owl.
seeing the edge of a shape
A calm I first knew
in the warm sting
of Miami beaches
in the swell of
a wave was
enough to hold
my attention,
thankfully,
a relentless
press.
Could I be free
from chains I was
born in like my
mother and hers
before
to allow them
to break away
even as they
bruise
and clank.
Because this place
can make a person
unable
to feel or see
what is right
in front of them
when the image
blurred
by sad memory
or old pain
seems as real
as it gets-
so loud,
demanding
we remember
everything
to survive
and we
try to carry with
love, without
being angry
and with all
the fragility
still, so
we will not become
the darkness,
we might become
the very thing
that keeps balance.
Some say
this world is soft to
lessen the blow,
and I feel the
partiality of it
limiting-
I cannot
in hand hold
this beautiful place
the complicated petals
layer upon layer
like a chrysanthemum
without holding
the dark, as it is
between each
shining edge
a defined line
showing
this petal and that petal.
And instead of running
from everything
known
like I did at first
like happiness
was a thing
ran into, suddenly
behind a door probably
someone else opened
waiting to be found,
one day, I began to see
in places that
cannot be touched
by perspective
too much like
on a snowy, narrow
pass in the Cascades
where my heart
could still
its panic:
in that moment
a rush of wind
is beautiful
because I live-
I knew to go
looking after
the waves.
And the vast words
held too long
unsure of how
to say them
having not defined
what was indefinable
could split ice
and rock
beneath the places
I kept running
and I would simply
slide
for awhile.
It took some years
to become still enough
that my own shaking
could not unground
my thoughts/
and longer
for the hold
to take place
that is space kept
for knowing things
as they are
as much
as is possible
in any moment
without needing it
and with all
the uncertainty
where I could look
at what had happened,
these chaotic moments
and grief
that could crush
who I believed
myself to be,
to look back instead
with love for the sake
of love and gratitude
that I was myself
all along, especially
in the rainforest
walking, or with hands
digging into the ground
another living thing
having not much choice
in things, like lavender
with its sweetness
for no reason
to give it water
when it would not rain,
part of the learning.
Can you see
where the heart
will survive
by it’s aching,
running to be free
knowing what is
and isn’t worth
staying for,
is as basic as
need of air
if in a place
a person feels
their own thoughts
cannot be trusted
when it is mostly
the thoughts of others
like a sidewalk, broken
but you try to run
and trip.
But finally
to hold still
in the calm of
knowing the dark
as it is, dependent
upon that which grows
and thrives/ maybe
a glimpse
on a mountain pass
quiet enough defines
the edge
of your self
when it is difficult to see,
you have held it.
a cautionary tale – Zelda to F. Scott Fitzgerald from the hospital
Dear Scott,
Remember how I told you,
“I am really only myself
when I’m somebody else whom I have endowed
with these wonderful qualities from my imagination?”
I’ve been thinking, all those pieces of me
are like pecans in a loaf of bread
baking in the oven and as it bakes,
those pecans get further
divided by space
and fluffy dough stuff/
think that’s why space
with all its soundless,
cold in-between
was something
I didn’t care for at first
but now I look up
and see myself
in the reach between stars
in the places of nothing:
a soundless place
I can speak and
hear it.
I am not silent in a clothes basket,
4 years old and thinking I am hidden-
no, I am un-shelving continents
with my dancing
with my love
having everything to say
and nothing worth saying,
according to myself.
When I went insane, love
I was caught up
being every version of me,
a puppeteer holding the strings
poised but unmoving
uncertain in where
this one goes or
that one came from/
‘they’ see
an effervescent, socialite
dancing on tables, and
I believe I’m showing daddy
I don’t need hard work
to build character,
that my beauty is enough
but, truth is
I was working hard,
I could live off the wistful smiles
on boys faces and be plump
as a jelly bean
stuck to their cheek,
that sweet aching
they don’t really like
but take all the same.
I was many versions of myself
scattered around a sun
and I could feel a warmth
but it was skin deep
and these parts of me searched
one tip-toeing on the event horizon
with a spoon in her mouth
flask of vodka on her hip
and another draped along Europa’s
smooth surface orbiting Jupiter,
her tidally locked, lover
(they say Europa spins faster than its orbit,
because the stuff inside is unbalanced, Scott).
Remember when I jumped in the fountain
in my red swimsuit? The space between stars.
Remember how our feet burned on white sands
bright as whiskey fire when we lived
at the end of everything
and the beginning of anything?
That burning was close as we could get
to finding the sun I speak of.
I was most beautiful
picking all the things I love
about people all the things
I love about living: laughter, dancing,
drinking- all the things that please me
scant almost too much
the way men turn me
like hands turn the pages
of a book
a blank page
opened in the night
and wanting to be
filled, or to know
finally, what do you find
between the stars
and the sun?
and was it enough.
On that beach we lived for awhile
where I should have felt some peace,
my hunger just became greater/
all those versions of me I created
and not one sun upon which to orbit
like the pecans in that loaf,
I am lost now
foot stuck in an air pocket
in that fluffy stuff and
100,000 versions
scattered across the universe-
the paths are all broken
or were they just
never charted.
Before you sent me away
sometimes I would think of baby birds
when hungry, but I wouldn’t know
I was hungry or
I’d think of a zipper over the mouth
of little girls and all the stories
that could be told
watching our daughter reading
under the oak tree
and didn’t know
there was a sadness,
I just kept dancing
hours upon hours
so I could be as
worthy as you were
to be alive.
And, when I said to you,
‘People look like ants in a bottle’
I was just afraid I was the same as them,
these people that looked like strangers
walking in circles and
that I was a stranger, too
all of us like ants
marching in straight lines,
protecting the queen, carrying
bits of leaf back to our anthills, so
I needed to love you first
and live incidentally
and that’s really
the story,
don’t you think?
Now, all these grown men
try to fix what’s gone wrong
with shots that make me shake
with violence,
and my mind is hoarfrost clinging
to bare branches,
my self, a ghostly butterfly
too insubstantial
to rest on the flowers/
I wish
I’d stayed with the girl
in the clothes basket. She
liked to talk about happy elves
in a make-believe place
everyone told her she needed
to leave behind, but she
is real, can follow the path
from her smile to
the stories creating
who she will be
when she is stronger
if she trusts
she is strong
and not a woman
who needs you.
I am the empty cup
with no handle,
the handle is somewhere?
Maybe
it was your hand on my stomach
as you slept maybe
I am a little girl you told
could only bloom when
you were sleeping
so you could be
F. Scott Fitzgerald
without inconvenience.
No one could have survived us, Scott,
but everyone really did love me,
didn’t they? All of my
stars and the space
between them,
if I could choose again
to chart the paths
with someone by my side:
you, my family, this world
or even my own heart
if I would stop and
feel this hunger.
beginnings
I don’t believe in endings, by which I mean,
it’s difficult for me to believe in endings
by which I mean, I have known many
so-called endings, and can
no longer see why it was an end
when I began then.
A segue- the end of a thread
tucked in my eye where I could
track where it came from. Or a messy,
frayed bit I licked a few times before
placing in an envelope I folded into my curly hair:
my hair is long enough, I can hold all the
love letters I’ve sent now.
At night I let my friend untie me
and read the words that mean
an ending that never came-
just the beginning of
finding us. Funny to me how
I am so much myself
with another, the
many, so-called endings
in the making of.
I want to remember this
when what I love must
inevitably transform, and
change is the only thing
that stays. To ask
I still love what is left
of before/ a wave
on these soft sands
comes again.
in caves
Sunflowers grow | beneath cliffs, a din heard in the mouth small sound of roots deep, stems bracing waves that crash high like a hand held to the face with eyes closed pauses all of it here, some will arrive by wandering but it is dark and so much unknown to wander freely or consider to stay. We see only their crowns as they breach the unseen, their beginning is close, just a step into a place the sun holds without ever saying, hello/ we could know them: their bright faces petals a happy yellow and lovely, framed in what some would say is joy but they are shaking their heads slowly no, yet again with each rising and setting, they follow from the place they would leave if only these deep roots inch by inch would pull free - Did you know stems grow in the night to the west so the head can sway to the east at sunrise. The stem guides like stars in the night, desert sky are persistent or pollen on a honeybee is small easy to miss but irrefutable/ they, are guided far round cold corners wide, clementine eye, happy and content/ how the heart keeps the mind stays the heart to keep on and the sound in this hidden place, brushing upon damp walls: the wind at the end of its journey over wave and accidentally in this hollow is song like woman who whispers, do not let me break, please but same way, rounds corners and rejoins the sky- wandering you may slide cliffside into deep ocean, not seeing it is a cliff where waves will slam the mark of this place, and will swim near a place dry but dark and cold when no one is around to see you. Wild sunflower grow, long stemmed and leave, I would say this old cave- eventually. Eye following the sun even as it sets with you, no madness or sad keeping of memory but growing round cold walls into the quiet beauty one day, of knowing nothing of the previously known.
In Due Proportion 