I once hid in the closet
to be with my being
especially to be
unneeded –
how the sun erases all
the little stars, and
I was contained there,
or was it with pressure
how I filled with unsafe
words in the first life –
would the stones not
have shaken when I
began to yell - would
mom still have died
if she had stayed with me
and I had stayed with her
when she tried to come back
and said she was sorry,
too insincerely – would she
have said I wasn't wrong
to save myself if we
had one more chance
and do I even need it;
anyway, she told me once,
children ruin a person's life
only a handful of years
after she left
and nonetheless I thought
too often I was weak,
made like taffy, of push
and pull, sweet
and ephemeral, once
believing need must
mostly go unmet,
same her sorrow grew;
the cruelty she could
never look at too
closely without panic,
so instead, I tried to wear
my father's blue sweater
when I turned thirteen,
backside-front
like an armor,
hands hidden in the
too long sleeves
where nobody could
suddenly grasp me, and
she thought I was just
a tomboy, she would say,
when I began to do this
but really I had no idea
how to speak except
in these ways – a little
warm, but smooth
as a mirror
in every frightening
moment that followed –
having like a tree
in a drought drops
the leaves; I pushed
into my own roots
beyond any reach
every joy and win,
same all the little stars
grow bright behind the sun
when the sun does one day, dim.
Tag: strength
Wilder-born
A white fox in the snow,
she was difficult
to spot: first the eyes
bright of copper
held wishes, tossed
between the bars,
every passing kindness
of good intent on the
long blank – was it
a cage she was born,
displaced –
too buried by the dog,
belonging as an old,
well-loved ball, forgotten
by time and inattention,
the haunting first and then
the self – how warm in
the thick-grown fur of
a wild thing. She slipped
the first prison, sliding
between two hard lines
by her own emaciation,
to fall tired where the snow
piled high on a bluff; she
sunk in its numbing, feeding
on passing birds. Until one day,
a hunter spotted those
unmistakable, pointed ears
turning in the wind, how
the eyes were halved
in careful dreaming –
and the fox, having
dreamt Possible before
possible was an action
especially of freedom –
quickly, made warm apples
of him, debriding his horror,
before he could take her skin.
This infection of violence
sent her walking again
and what looked like forever
was the curve of horizon
where she found softness
like the snow when first
fell, how it landed lightly
on the nose
before blanketing - to walk
on even below the passing
of clouds kept coming,
of winter or rebel storms.
Forced Evolution
The bus is late again
and sleep's been short
a tooth on the tongue
sharpened,
but hi, the weather x,
you say, and yes
to chocolate from
a stranger -
too sweet fluttering
the heart with its
refined sugar,
same how caught
on a train track
it raced and emptied
of self, knowing
how sleep snatches
in the long night
and never wakes,
but arrives
repeatedly into being
like every day since
as if an eddy on a wave
could change course.
So you let the bus
leave, made cold
and troubled
like a cobra poised
above its own center
on thresholds of violence
and mercy, and find instead
the warmth of a sunny rock
to count the petals
on clovers
in the weedy grass
could a crown of stems
beyond the ordinary
be made -
a root of self
tethered to its own
shaping - would this
woken dream, depart.
